Twenty Two and lost on the hedonic treadmill
19th May two thousand and twenty-one
I’m currently twenty-two years old, I know what I want to do with my career, I have a loving family and social circle. However, I am still somewhat “lost”, I’m not exactly sure why or how I became “lost” and I know I’m not alone, intuitively I know that being twenty-two, you shouldn’t know all there is to know about life. Although, I would like to feel .. well I can't quite find the right word.. satisfied maybe? You see, I feel as though I am stuck on this hedonic treadmill I’ve heard so much about.
Although I am only twenty-two, I have achieved most of what I set out to achieve when I was eighteen. I have had sex with beautiful women, although, what would it be like to have sex with more beautiful women? whether that be quantity or quality.
I bet it wouldn’t be all it’s chalked up to be.
I set out to achieve respect in my field, I’ve done that, this to me is the biggest accomplishment I’ve ever ‘attained’. In my field (which for now I will keep private), I’ve managed to befriend, be mentored by, and gain the respect of those at the very top. I’m told on a regular basis that I will make it to the top of the field (wherever that place is).
However, none of this really satisfies me, I wake up wanting more.
It’s not like I'm lonely either, I have friends that I can honestly say I love. I have conversations on a daily basis that fill me with the utmost joy and satisfaction.
So then why do I feel unsatisfied, empty, and alone? I look at my accomplishments and compare them to those around me and I find it hard to believe I'm this far ahead (at least in my career).
I know what you’re probably thinking.
“What a cocky prick” — The reader
You’re right frankly, I struggle deeply with ego. I read Ryan Holiday’s book Ego Is The Enemy back in 2016 and I realized I had a problem. I know that I'm a narcissist. You see, the problem is I don't really know what to do about it all.
That’s why I’m writing this anonymously, I want feedback from the world. I want people to tell me what they think, without knowing who I am or accounting for the “fragile” human being behind the page.
I went to a psychologist a year ago and confirmed the hypothesis of my passion for running along the hedonic treadmill. He conducted some testing based on questionnaires and he found that my score on a measure of “unrelenting standards” was 18/20. He said this was one of the highest scores he’d ever seen, I wasn’t really surprised by the result.
So, what should I do about it? I’ve tried reading philosophy, I’ve tried asking my friends and family how I can improve. I’ve sought counseling (maybe I should seek more?). I’ve asked for anonymous feedback on my work online (this did help in showing me my work was not perfect).
I guess what I’m trying to say is, how do I get off the treadmill? That’s what this blog is going to be about, I’m going to continue to write this blog until I find out how to get off. I want to pursue achievements for their purpose, not to satisfy my inner “demons”.
Thanks for reading :)
